Self Animism
by lucychatterly
Summary: Sparing Loghain & causing her love to leave was the biggest mistake of her life. Now living in an abandoned house with Leliana watching her every move, can she ever escape to find her Alistair? DAO & DA2 characters will feature. Rating may increase later
1. Plan

"_I don't want a thing to do with this place. Or any of you people. Ever."_

His words played over and over in her head like a broken record. He was gone and it was all her fault. She'd felt nothing but empty since the day he left. Because she'd betrayed him. She tried not to linger on the his possible location at present as her mind had a habit of settling on the worst case scenario, but she couldn't seem to focus on anything else. For all she knew, he was lying in a ditch somewhere, werewolves feasting on his flesh. Just yesterday, lighting the fire, a task usually completed with the use of a simple fireball spell, had ended with the curtains up in flames. Even that she hadn't been able to focus on. She'd sat amongst the blaze, emotionless. If it hadn't been for Leliana's timely rescue, she'd probably be dead. A fate she deemed not completely inappropriate for herself. For him, however...

It was always going to be her that slayed The Archdemon; she'd known that since she'd been recruited. It just would've been nice to have him there instead of that idiot Loghain. She'd specifically told Morrigan that she was not going to persuade Loghain to sleep with her because he deserved to die. But the bitch had gone behind her back and done it anyway. Perhaps it was Loghain's selfish doing, but there was no way of knowing; both he and Morrigan had gone separate ways after the battle and Solona was grateful she never had to look at either one of them again.

He wasn't there when she'd slayed The Mother either. She'd met a man during the expedition who reminded her of him and kept him close at all times. He'd been there. But he wasn't Alistair. She'd denied him so many opportunities by sparing the man responsible for the death of his brother. She constantly asked herself why she'd done it and discovered no answer each time.

Yet, no matter where she went, Leliana was at her side. The battle against The Archdemon; the slaying of The Mother; and even now. She was grateful to have a friend as loyal as her, everyone else had gone their own ways after the Blight ended, but Leliana refused to leave her to wallow in her sorrows, which had been present since he'd left almost a year ago.

She sighed and tried to collect her scattered thoughts without success. She rolled over in her bed to face the wall; one of the few things she felt wasn't judging her for her mistake. But even walls knew more than they let on. Up until now, she'd been unable to exhibit much emotion. If she didn't know better, she could've convinced herself she had been made Tranquil. But her pillow was soon wet with grief as her tears overwhelmed her and a hoard of angst spilled from her in the quietest release. She became aware of a kind hand on her cheek, wiping away her tears and stroking her long black hair from her face.

"There's someone here to see you." The redheaded woman informed her, the soft Orlesian accent soothing her. "There's no rush. Take your time."

After the mage had pulled herself together as best she could, she headed into the main room to find Leliana accompanied by a man who stood as she entered.

"Solona." He said, kindly. "How are you?" He held his arms wide, inviting her in.

"Top of the world, Teagan." She answered, sarcastically, avoiding his gesture and sitting down on the settee.

"Right." He laughed awkwardly. "Stupid thing to ask." He put his fingers to his temples and sighed. Their relationship had become strong since... since that day. Whenever Leliana stepped out to run an errand, she'd always found Teagan in her place, watching over her. She remembered first meeting him in Redcliffe; he'd instantly taken to his nephew's love interest and she'd found herself enjoying the approval. But now, she felt more distant from him than ever. But he was still there... for her. If she were presently in his position, and he in hers, she couldn't say she'd demonstrate the same level of care. Not after what she'd done.

Teagan joined her on the settee and held her hands in his.

"I'm thinking of leaving Ferelden for a while." Solona didn't know what to say, and remained silent until Teagan continued. "I think it'll do me a bit of good, you know? I was planning on heading into the Free Marches. Maybe go to Kirkwall. See the city."

"Why are you telling me this, Teagan?" She replied, exasperated. She didn't know why his revelation had angered her, but something about it did.

"I, um... thought it would be rude to leave without saying something." Solona could feel the anger boiling up inside of her and tried to control it to no avail.

"What?" she screamed. "So, you're just leaving?" She stood up and moved to take a step closer to the man but soon felt hands on her shoulders, restraining her. Leliana. Sometimes she was grateful to have someone to control her anger for her as she often had trouble keeping hold of it herself, but in that moment, all she wanted to do was Stonefist Teagan for even considering leaving. She attempted to compose herself before continuing,

"I haven't spoken to my mother since I was ripped away from her and taken to that damn circle when I was six... You're the only family I've got. You can't just leave." She felt Leliana's grip loosen as she began to calm down. She walked towards the blackened fireplace and sighed. The room was silent for a while as Solona felt her tears welling up again. She span around to face the bard and their guest.

"You have to help me find him."

"Solona, I-" Leliana started, but a hand was held up to silence her.

"I know what you're going to say. "This isn't a good idea." Well, if I'd listened to you the last time you said that, we wouldn't be living here for a start." She watched as Leliana looked around the abandoned house, now embellished with their own belongings. "I have to find him. I have to know he's-" But she couldn't find the right word to finish. Leliana sensed this and interrupted the returning silence.

"I care for Alistair, I do, but Solona... you heard what he said." Her tone was soft; caring; sympathetic. She had heard. She still heard. And she would continue hearing until she knew where he was. Until she knew he was safe. She put her head in her hands and allowed tears to leak from her eyes as his words rang through her mind. Again.

"I'd love to help but I think Leliana is right. He made it quite clear he didn't want following." Teagan intervened.

"Fine!" Solona yelled, straining her vocal chords. "You go on ahead and get yourself out of this now. I'm doing this with or without your help." Teagan had risen from the settee but was standing a distance away that prevented her from strangling him. Not that there weren't other things she could do. "Go on, get out!" She pointed to the door and held her arm outstretched until Teagan did as she'd commanded. She watched the door shut behind him and fell to the floor, head in hands again and sobbed.

She had a plan.

She was going to find him. No matter what it took. She was going to find him if it killed her.

Leliana was asleep; the house was empty; the perfect time to escape. She collected her bag and packed it with only essentials; a little food, a change of robes, and a red rose. It was all she had left of him; she wasn't leaving it behind. She whistled to Ares who bounded up to her, faithful as ever. She grabbed her staff and the duo headed to the front door but as Solona turned the handle, she discovered it was locked. And the key was nowhere in sight. She scrounged around, looking for the device when she was startled by a voice from behind.

"Looking for something?" she whirled round and saw Leliana at the top of the stairs, a chain around her neck with a small metal article hanging from it.

"Open this door. Now." She said, sharply, eying the key."

"You haven't thought this through, Solona. If you wait until the morning, we can talk."

"I don't want to wait until the morning." She relied, mocking the bard's Orlesian accent. "What if he's in trouble? What if he needs my help?" her patience was quickly running out.

"I promise we'll talk in the morning." Leliana's voice was so calm, and her movements so graceful as she glided back to her room. Solona began hopelessly pounding on the large wooden door, tears escaping her eyes and sobs escaping her lips. He was out there. She knew it. She just had to find a way of getting to him.


	2. Letter

For the next three weeks, Solona found her efforts to get out of the house futile. No matter what she did, Leliana found a way to counter it; she tried to sneak out during the night, Leliana set traps for her to stumble into; she tried to sneak out during the day, Leliana hired someone to stand outside the door and stop her in her tracks. Even the windows, which Leliana refused to let Solona open until she agreed to talk, were barred from the outside.

She was even more agitated than usual as Leliana had recently returned from an errand-run with news that irked her to the core. Morrigan was back. How that bitch had the nerve to show her face, Solona didn't know. She'd been debating whether or not to track her down and was currently sat in her room, contemplating and playing with Ares's ears when she heard Leliana's voice from below, summoning her.

"Solona, you might want to take a look at this." Whatever 'this' was, Solona had a feeling she did _not _want to take a look at it. Knowing Leliana, it was probably a new dress or pair of shoes or _something_ Orlesian. She dejectedly rolled off the edge of the bed and onto her feet and headed down the stairs to find Leliana standing by the door with an unopened cream envelope in her hands which she held towards Solona as she descended the stairs. As she took the paper from her and read Teagan's familiar handwriting, she didn't know whether to feel relieved... or angry. She skimmed the letter, looking for anything that interested her. In any normal situation, a letter from Teagan would've meant more to her but this was no normal situation. She was still angry over his defiance and even angrier that, judging by the contents of his letter, he'd clearly forgotten about it. She hastily scanned through the rest of the letter but felt her eyes falter she reached those three words.

_I found him._

Over and over she read them, willing them to sink in.

"Is everything okay?" Leliana anxiously enquired. Solona's eves darted over the rest of the paper but Teagan had gone into no more detail than that of which he already had. Was he _trying_ to spite her? Yes, she was relieved that Alistair was alive, but in what condition?

"It's from Teagan." She looked up from the letter towards Leliana whose expression was one of worry. Solona found herself smiling for the first time in months as she spoke, "He found Alistair." All plans to look for, possibly even kill, Morrigan vanished from her mind in that moment. She _knew_ what her next move was.

Leliana's anxiousness, however, didn't vanish as _she_ spoke.

"Solona, do you really think Alistair _wants_ finding? Surely, he would've written to _someone_ if he needed help."

Solona felt her anger rising and took a deep breath to compose herself before speaking calmly.

"Leliana please. If you do this with me, I swear to you, I won't cause you any more trouble. I realise I've put you through a lot in the past and I'm sorry for that. I never meant to screw up your life so much. When I walked into that Tavern, how was I supposed to know I was gonna meet a rogue sister?"

"But didn't I insist I come along? If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be." She smiled softly towards Solona. "I'm just trying to protect you. You don't know how Alistair's going to react." Solona saw in Leliana's eyes that she was deliberating something. "But, if this is what you really want... who am I to stop you?"

As she pulled Leliana into a tight hug, Solona couldn't work out if the tears that streamed from her eyes were that of joy or panic.

She had her destination.

Now it was just getting to it.


	3. Kirkwall

Teagan couldn't have been more right on the horrendousness of the journey to Kirkwall. Solona had never been on a boat for so long in her life. She spent most of the time feeling (and being) seasick and decided that if the opportunity arose to captain a ship, she would gladly pass up on it. Leliana seemed to have a whale of a time, which did nothing to sate her.

A man on the Docks had informed them that the city was not in the most stable position. He'd told them about some kind of invasion but Solona's mind was too occupied to pay attention. She'd been recognised as the 'Hero of Ferelden' almost as soon as they'd left the Docks which she wasn't too happy about either; navigating a way around the city without being harassed by some fanatic Kirkwallian wasn't the easiest of tasks; word apparently spreads quickly in Kirkwall. Navigating a way around the city to start with was a challenge; the number of times they found themselves back where they'd started was uncountable. The only thing that kept Solona going was the fact that Alistair was around... _somewhere_. Chances were they'd perish before reaching him if they kept up their current pace.

"Maybe we should ask someone for directions? I don't see us getting anywhere at this rate." Leliana suggested after half an hour of running in circles. They'd managed to get out of the Docks but were having no such luck getting out of Lowtown.

"We don't need directions. Yes, I've never been to any city other than Denerim before but how hard can it be to find our way through this one?" Solona quipped as they rounded a corner for the fourth time. Leliana sniggered at Solona's disgruntled expression and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"It's not going to kill us to admit we're lost." She looked around for a while. "Let's ask _that_ guy." She pointed to a man standing with his back to them by a weapon stall. Of course Leliana would chose him of _all_ the people in the Bazaar; he definitely wasn't the least attractive man around. Sure, they could only see his back, but if his figure was anything to go on, his face wasn't so bad either. Leliana took her by the hand and dragged her over to the man, who looked slightly smaller than he had from a distance.

"Excuse me, sir." Leliana started. "You don't happen to know where we can find a Teagan Guerrin do you?"

"No." The man turned around and Solona couldn't help but gasp. She hadn't meant to but his appearance startled her. His green eyes were harder than she'd imagined and his ears more elf-like, which at least explained the difference in height. The man had some of the strangest tattoos she'd ever laid eyes on; they spanned from his chin all the way down his arms to his fingers and Solona couldn't help but see the beauty in the pattern they formed. She saw the elf shift under her gaze and apologised.

"I must go." He stated before walking in a direction Solona noted they hadn't explored yet. Would it be too strange to follow? Leliana made the decision for her when she traipsed after the man in a mindless daze.

They'd lost the elf a while back when he darted round a sudden corner and Leliana lost sight of him. They wouldn't have known where they were had a woman not told them to "die and make room" if they didn't like Darktown. People in Darktown were clearly not as polite as people in Lothering.

"How rude." Leliana commented as the woman continued to walk past them and Solona sighed in relief when she wasn't recognised for the millionth time. However, her relief turned to panic as she felt arms wrap tight around her waist from behind.

"What the hell do you think you're-" She span round to find a man she knew all too well smiling at her. His blonde hair tied back and his blue eyes gleaming, perhaps a little more than they used to.

"I heard you were in town." He spoke, excitedly as she regained her stolen breath.

"So, you're not mad at me anymore?" Solona enquired, cautiously.

"Mad? I'm _furious_ with you. That cat was the best thing that ever happened to me." He replied mockingly, as he released her from his grasp and looked her up and down. "You're not looking so great, Solona. What's wrong?"

"Other than the fact I'm harassed every ten seconds by some fanatic?" It was so easy to joke with him; just like with Alistair. "Quite a bit actually." She continued, in a more sombre tone. He put an arm around her shoulders and led her into a small room adorned with beds and pieces of paper lying around all over the place.

"What _is_ this place?"

"My clinic. I'm a healer now." He answered nonchalantly, like it wasn't strange for a Grey Warden to turn to a doctoring profession. "Sit down." She did as he suggested and Leliana took a seat next to her on one of the many low beds as he knelt in front of her.

"I know it's been a while, but you know you can still trust me." He said as he smiled sweetly towards her. During her time at Vigil's Keep, she'd always had a suspicion that he'd had a soft spot for her and he wasn't doing a very good job of digging himself out of his hole.

"Do you remember the Grey Warden I told you about? I need him back."

"Hey, _I_ left the Wardens! Why don't you need me back?" he joked. Solona ignored his humour and continued,

"You _know_ what I did, Anders. I have to make it right." Solona hung her head as Alistair's words once again rang through her head. "I got a letter from his uncle. He's here in Kirkwall." Anders flashed her a knowing smile before he spoke,

"I might just be able to help you."


End file.
